three steps

Touch.
Hold.
Contact.

Ready.
Set.
Go.

I worry that the idea excites me more than her. I worry more than that what if I can't tell what the answer is for myself.

Open. Communicate. Learn to be affectionate.

i want to

but it seems so foreign
what I have never before done
for the intimacy is new
but new it shall not remain

I want contact here
I want to feel more
But once I am near
I react and withdraw.

Not this time.

time

Time tends to pass by
While I pause alone
To accomplish one
thing or two today.

Then a crunch occurs
And I am so lost
That I feel quite good
wandering in our world.

production

Really I was just taping the show two nights in a row. No production and no editing in the future.

It was lots of fun and raised some ideas that I wanted to think about.

Hey, it is already tomorrow.

adventures

Sunday:

out to the lake to watch some rowing

marshall Terry Fox route

audition LMT

Monday:

too busy to remember. It began by seeing friends on the bus and meeting a tailor.

Tuesday:

I said hi. Well, no I really said nice hat. What are my odds that you are reading this?

Is one competition enough? I hope so. I doubt that I can handle the prep work for the other.

splash

Kind of like a cannonball did I enter the theatre today. Tired and vocally cold did I sign up. But, and this is the part I care about over and above the result, I was not asked to speak up and my rhythm was better than my pitch matching.

Of course I can justify that by saying rhythm is what I have worked on this summer (remember the self-motivation, walking to music stuff?). But the former. . .

I was in a large theatre. Me and a piano making noise. Me stopping throughout from losing my place or self-doubt making me wonder if I was on the correct verse. But: I WAS LOUD ENOUGH.

Good show!

love that audition feeling

And not because it is all "good" either. What it does, the audition experience, I mean, is get me up in front of people doing stuff. That is good. Otherwise I am in the audience. By trying out I can see where I am at, how comfortable I feel, and improve myself and my performance for the future.

awake?

On less sleep than usual, I woke up before my alarm and my current test of consciousness tells me that I am very awake (mentally).

What gives? And how can I feel awake?

p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s

Progress and a compliment already -- and my week is but half spent. Progress in recognition of social patterns. Compliment from a professor.

And back to Step I. Basic stuff is good.

inside outside

Everything I do feels the same. Different people in conversation, but the same sensations on my end. I don't want to jar myself because I think this is a good thing right now. I want some responsibility. I will take it on, myself. I do not need it from others. But I shall try to take some from others. Totally optional.

new patterns emerge

I am slowly piecing together my weekly schedule. And my life. And figuring out what I want.

to help others

to feel wanted

to accomplish with both mind and body

Word games: earn points

Credit to whomever first directs me to the study referred to by the following:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelms. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

my source

carnival rides

All that stuff about growing up is kind of a lie. Fun was climbing through the inflated obstacle course. Fun was letting people dance in the spotlight. Fun was watching others have fun.

Now, I must return to a schedule. I like schedules. I often wish they were filled with more fun stuff.

But I did get to one of the campus art galleries yesterday. I found it enjoyable to experience the exhibit. The meaning I found in it was directing me back to high school experiences. Things I found fascinating then came back to flood my mind. My break from the present lasted not even ten minutes.

It was enough.

And then I was able to help out a the night event. Helping out is usually fun. Only when I became really hungry and tired did I want to stop. In reality, I was just looking for a break. Then it was back to the fun.

Fun. Fun. Fun.

up and running

OK... so I may bother to change a course this term. 8:30am is a little tougher than I remember it. And this is coming from a person who got up around 6am to record move-in for oweek.

I suppose I will skip the only stretch class being offered for a couple months to go check out another class.

Today I plan to:

drop off the final summer job app for Toronto

hit up one or both art galleries on campus

compose some aggressive letters towards the administration

order printouts for some more class readings. Ten pages per day per class isn't really so bad. At least, it wouldn't be so bad if it didn't look like microfiche. Good thing I did not try printing 2-up ! *That* would be ugly.

Yesterday I accomplished:

dropping most applications at career services

obtaining a regular time slot. You'll hear me on concert calendars Wednesday and Thursday this fall.

oh yeah, I also went to my first three lectures

lots of running around

So, I'm later than I wanted to be. Thankfully my penalty is a line-up, as I have not missed the deadline. I'm spending much too much time on campus, but this is probably a good way to start the year. Mock dedication?

There is so much to look forward to next week. Many people to see, many people to meet for the first time, and a great deal of catching-up.

But for now, it is a calm before ... well... I can't really say before the storm because I don't want a storm. I just want to be very busy with lots of fun stuff to do. And I'm going to start out with the really fun stuff--and ensure it only gets better as time goes on!

time

Fun time taping training this morning.

Then too much time on applications that are too far into the future for jobs I think are too far a stretch for me to fit. It is something about independence I suspect.